Discipleship 101
a beginner's guide to
Christianity
Chapter 17
Responding to grace in our
relationships
How do we respond to God's grace?
One way that we respond is by extending grace to others, in our families,
neighborhoods, and workplaces. As an illustration of that, we present the
article below on marriage relationships.
If Jesus were married ...
Jesus was not married. But let's
suppose for a minute what some people seem to think he would have done.
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Jesus would inspire
total confidence. Oops. One disciple betrayed him, and the others
ran off. Only the women were faithful.
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Jesus would do all the
talking. Wrong again—Jesus wants his wife (the church) to talk.
She makes a few mistakes, of course, but that's the way we all learn. Both
men and women are inspired to speak.
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Jesus would watch
television while his wife served him snacks. Silly, isn't it? The
truth is, Jesus would serve his wife when she was watching television. He
knew he was going to die the next day, and yet he washed the disciples' feet
while they argued with each other.
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Jesus would be so
dominant that his wife would never be seen. False. Jesus wants his
church to be seen. He exercises his dominance by encouraging his wife to go
into the world to work.
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Jesus would manage his
children well. Jesus is not the problem—we are. Yet often we
expect marriages within the church to be even better than what Jesus has!
How ironic! Do we think we deserve more than he does?
We have various myths about
marriage that are a little laughable, but when we try to live a myth, we cause
a lot of pain. Husbands cause pain, and wives cause pain. We are both shot
through with sin, and sin hurts people.
Singles
Some people are better off single,
and some people are better off married. God created men and women for marriage,
but he gave some people the gift of being single (1 Cor. 7:7).
We need to value our singles and
appreciate them the way they are. When we talk about marriage, we do not want to
slight the unmarried. It is a perfectly honorable state. Some do not use it honorably—just
as some married people do not handle marriage responsibly, either. No matter
what state we are in, we are called to serve.
A single person, Paul said, can be
totally dedicated to God. A married person has divided interests (verses
32-34). Single men and women can be enormous agents for the kingdom of God.
Jesus was single, and Paul was single. Lydia and Phoebe probably were, too.
Your body is not your own
Paul discusses the responsibilities
married people have for each other: "The wife's body does not belong to her
alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not
belong to him alone but also to his wife" (v. 4).
Neither husbands nor wives can make
selfish decisions. The husband cannot just decide to go off on his own some evening
without letting his wife know where he is, because his body does not belong to
him alone, but also to his wife. She has a right to know. This verse prohibits unilateral
decisions even for spiritually worthy causes; it is true for carnal pursuits as
well, and the principle is as true for wives as it is for husbands.
The focus is on self-control, not
other control. We can't demand our rights from our spouse. We can't demand to
control their bodies. Even if that is our right, we cannot live the way of
demand. What we can do is to control our own body in the way that honors the
spouse. We work on ourselves rather than ordering others around. We try to
please, not to demand.
Let this mind be in you, Paul wrote
(Phil. 2:5-10). Think like Jesus did. Though he had great power, he did not use
it for his own advantage. He took on the nature of a servant, he humbled himself
to serve his wife. God does not measure greatness the
way we do. He does not look at leadership the way we often do. Jesus did not
demand his rights. He just did the job that he was given to do.
Paul later gave some instructions
to husbands and wives. He told wives to submit (Eph. 5:22). He told husbands to
give themselves to their wives in service (v. 25). Some husbands claim to be
willing to die for their wives, but are actually unwilling to change a diaper. I
have a simple instruction for such husbands: Die daily. Because if you aren't
willing to serve, you stink worse than a diaper.
Paul told husbands to love and care for their
wives; he did not tell the husbands to demand submission. He told wives to
submit, not to demand more love or more sacrifices. Each of us must attend to
our own responsibilities whether or not the other person does.1 We have to
concentrate on what we can do, not on what the other person isn't doing.
Do you deserve a break today?
If we got what we deserve, we'd be
dead. All of us, through God's grace, have more than we deserve. In Jesus, we
have been given eternal life, something we did not earn and something we could
never earn. If our sins were counted against us, we'd deserve punishment every
day, but we get blessings instead. We don't deserve a break today, but God gives
us one anyway.
Every day, we need to be thankful
for the blessings we have—always better than we deserve. When we see our
spouse, always remember, this is better than I deserve. Always be thankful.
Remember the million-dollar debt
God has forgiven you. Be forgiving when your spouse slips up (Matt. 18:23-35).
Forgive each other from the heart, and do it fast. This is where the gospel of
salvation by grace has an incredibly practical application in our day-to-day
lives. It calls us to be gracious toward our spouses. It calls us to make
sacrifices.
Husbands, love your wives even if
you have to get down on your knees and wash their feet. Or stand up and wash the
dishes. Honor them, respect them. Do not belittle them, for they are heirs with
you of eternal life.
Service
Peter calls us to humility and
self-sacrifice: "Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority
instituted among men" (1 Pet. 2:12). If you don't keep the laws of the land
with integrity, don't be surprised if your family has trouble obeying you. "Slaves, submit yourselves to
your masters with all respect" (v. 18). If you bad-mouth your employer at
home, don't be surprised if your family has trouble respecting you.
"To this you were
called," Peter writes, "because Christ suffered for you, leaving you
an example, that you should follow his steps" (v. 21). Yes, we follow him
into suffering, into sacrificing our pride. If we have trouble obeying him, and
we all do, then it should be no surprise that people have trouble doing what we
want.
Peter has similar instructions for
wives: "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands" (3:1). And he has similar instructions
husbands: "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your
wives ... so that nothing will hinder your prayers" (v. 7). If you don't
treat your wife right, how can you expect God to listen to you? Be considerate
— that means to consider her needs before your own. That is what love
means.
Ephesians 5:21 says that we are to
submit to one another. We do not do this in exactly the same way (parents submit
to their children in a different way than children submit to their parents), but
we must all submit to one another's needs. We need to consider our spouses
better than ourselves, better than we deserve (Phil. 2:3). Husbands, lead by
example, not by demanding submission.
Husbands are called to love their
wives. This means that they should be patient with them, kind with them. They do
not envy or brag. They are not proud, rude or self-seeking. They do not get angry easily, nor
do they dredge up mistakes of the past. Husbands should always protect, always
trust, always be optimistic and never give up (1 Cor. 13:6-8).
Christ calls us to self-sacrifice,
to be living sacrifices. We give our lives to him, and we live for him, and we
let him live in us in our day-to-day relationships.
Good marriages don't just happen.
They take work and conscious effort. When we live with someone every day for
years and years, our patience will be tested. Our selfishness will be seen. Our
spirituality (or lack of it) will be evident. We will make mistakes, and we will
need forgiveness, and we will need to be forgiving.
Let grace abound! Forgive one
another, just as Christ forgave you (Col. 3:13). Be Jesus to your spouse.
Joseph Tkach
Footnote 1: A spouse is not required to stay
in cooperation with an abusive or life-threatening situation.
To
the next article in this series:
Is Jesus the only way? |
