By Tina Dennis
Growing up can be a painful experience. I remember being laughed at, called hurtful names and excluded by others. This may sound like the normal things kids have to deal with, but when you become the one the class chooses to pick on, ridicule becomes a big part of your life.
Some children are cruel to those who aren't the same as they are. I was different in a lot of ways: I was the tallest in my class, and I had physical disabilities so I couldn't do everything they did. Later I was the kid in that weird church. I reasoned in my little mind that I was getting picked on because I was a bad kid and it was my fault.
Many people have been hurt during their childhood--some from neglect and other forms of abuse, others from not receiving the love children so desperately need. We can be hurt not only in childhood but also in our everyday lives as adults. After being hurt, it is natural to feel anger, rage, sadness and depression.
We may react to hurt by stuffing the pain or hoping it will just go away. But unresolved emotions usually rear their ugly heads and creep into our everyday lives. If not dealt with, anger can turn into bitterness, which can destroy us. But there is a way out.
A few years ago I went home for my brother's funeral. The emotions from my childhood memories came gushing out like a broken water main. I had so much anger, hurt and pain bottled up that if I were a rocket, I could have shot myself to the moon.
I found myself asking God to help me find the answers. God has many tools he uses to help each of us, one of those being professional counseling. In many cases a counselor is a safe person with whom to deal with negative emotions without the fear of being judged or putting our own or others' reputations in jeopardy.
Emotions such as anger, rage, sadness and depression are human. God created them. The key is dealing with them properly. Understanding the concept of grace, mercy and God's love was like salve on my wounds.
Many try to earn salvation through good deeds and to be good enough for God. But Christ died for us because he knew we couldn't keep the law perfectly or good enough, and his sacrifice saves us daily.
Understanding from our hearts--not just our heads--that God's love is unconditional, and that he loves us for who and what we are, frees us to love and be loved. Our obedience doesn't have to stem from fear or any other reason we may have, but from love and thankfulness for all God has done for us.
This leads to forgiveness. Maybe we have asked many times for God to forgive us as we forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15). But forgiveness and love come from the heart, not just intellect.
It may be difficult to ponder the traumatic experiences of our past, let alone forgive those who had a part in it. But because we are loved by God and he lets us off the hook, shouldn't we want to do the same with others?
Love--not judging--and forgiveness go hand in hand. To forgive is to take whatever penalty we put on whomever for whatever and throw it away. Forgiving doesn't mean we agree with or condone what was done, but that we do not blame anyone any longer.
This process of getting our emotions out and learning to love and forgive takes time. It isn't easy to forgive, and at times it is painful, but it is so necessary.
"If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him," Paul told the early church in 2 Corinthians 2:10. "And what I have forgiven--if there was anything to forgive--I have forgiven in the sight of Christ."
We can forgive everyone who has hurt us. All hurt is real, no matter who is at fault. No one person or organization is perfect or ever will be.
This process is also about learning to take responsibility for our lives. To forgive doesn't depend on people saying they're sorry first. That would be nice but may never happen. We can't change the past, but we can change how the future will be--starting with today.
Forgiveness gives us the freedom to be more like God, which includes having unconditional love. We will continue to hurt and be hurt by others because we are human. But there is a way out. The weight of painful emotions can be alleviated--by truly forgiving and being forgiven.
Tina Dennis is a deaconess in the Pasadena congregation.
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