By Denice M. Orr
Emilie Barnes' speech outline sat on the table. When I saw submission was the first topic, I wondered about it.
It didn't occur to me she would be speaking about filling our lives with submission to Christ. This reminded me that the primary emphasis on submission should be to Jesus. Men and women both need a constant sense of submission to God
My reaction to her speech outline highlighted how overemphasis can create imbalance. We have often quoted Ephesians 5:22, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord."
Is it biblical? Of course. But, repeated as if it was the main solution in marriage and the sole scripture on submission, its effect becomes unbalanced. Other verses need repetition to let the scriptures balance themselves, such as Ephesians 5:21: "Submitting to one another in the fear of God" (New King James); and "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (New International Version)."
This verse demonstrates the overriding concept of submission for all Christians and that when Christians are gathered together Christ is there.
When two people choose each other as lifetime marriage partners, they have chosen to submit to each other.
Jesus' presence in us and our submission to him is the foundation of our submission to each other. Our relationship with him brings koinonea, or intimate fellowship with God, into human relationships.
How will we treat each other? We will try to exercise the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. These are many words to think about as we understand the word submission.
It's important to remember that men and women are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) as equal heirs of the kingdom. There is neither Jew nor Greek, male nor female (Galatians 3:28).
The present aspect of the kingdom in us (Jesus) brings this scripture into focus. Humans are equal in God's eyes, though each gender is unique, and each individual has his or her own qualities. God desires character development, leadership, respect and service from men and women.
Ephesians 5:22 is speaking to the wife (submit yourselves) and implies guidance to her and submission as a response she can choose. It is not something a husband can demand.
He may request that she submit, but as it happens by choice in her heart, he can't force it. (And, of course, this is also true of the submission required of all of us in Ephesians 5:21.)
This of-the-heart aspect is also valid when speaking of the husband's instruction to love his wife "as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it" (verse 25). The wife cannot demand that her husband love her.
Submission is something we all choose to do, to Christ, to the laws of the land, to our friends, to our parents, to our mates.
Christ always chose to submit to his Father. He chose to submit to his mother when she requested he take care of the wine shortage "before his time." Submission creates an atmosphere of peace and cooperation, not competition. It is an offering of love.
I discovered in my married life that mutual respect breeds mutual submission. When people submit to one another, they work together as a team. They learn to negotiate a solution or decision, each contributing thoughts, facts and intuition.
The modern use of the word defer doesn't carry the negative connotation that may come to mind with submit. Yet defer means the same thing as submit, giving up our will. This produces the desired results--the ability to make a final decision where two do not agree and a compromise cannot be found. When deference is shown to others, it shows love and respect.
People may choose to submit for many reasons. They may submit to their mate's strengths (they know more about a subject); or to their mate's weaknesses (this worries them, so to comfort them they do it their way). They may submit to encourage the leadership of their husbands or wives. They may see it is more important to their mates and defer out of love.
Sometimes we quickly submit. Our partner may not even know submission happened.
If two cannot agree or find a compromise, one or the other in maturity can decide to defer (Ephesians 5:21). It is not a win-lose situation. Submitting one to another is something married people grow in the ability to do.
When opinions are deeply felt, submission by one person or the other will be way down the road. The process needed is not unlike a business situation where steps to a resolution follow a pattern and take work.
Say you need to decide whether to build a wing on a factory. The problem is identified; the positive and negative factors and emotions listed.
The business goals are repeated (increasing income or paying for college educations may be parallels in marriage.) Creativity is applied. Possible compromises listed.
Then consensus building begins. The compromise may be to build a smaller addition. Many readers will recognize these tools from the business world.
When a woman is heard and considered, she often recognizes she has been respected. And so does a man. It is logical then that compromise will be the more frequently used solution.
A consensus can be reached through compromise. And if not, honored people can more easily submit than dishonored ones, and bitterness is prevented.
I believe when a woman submits to a man he feels wise and strong, which encourages him; when a woman is deferred to she feels loved and cherished, which encourages her. Submission is an offering of love.
When neither is willing to defer to the other, Ephesians 5:22 offers a solution a wise wife can choose.
Proverbs 14:1 says a wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down. Ephesians 5:24 encourages her to be a peacemaker. (Of course we are not referring to cases of abuse. That should not be submitted to.)
Paul's teaching on an attitude of submission to one another in Ephesians 5:21 is also still in effect, making maturity a key to the dilemma for both husband and wife.
This approach does not diminish the leadership of a husband. One of leadership's purposes is to contribute to the success of those being led, developing their abilities.
A husband's Christlike example of love, diligence, strength, faith and peace can make a mighty contribution to the family. He will also find his wife strengthening him in these ways as they travel their spiritual journey together. He will value her leadership abilities in mutual respect.
A Christian's focus on submitting to our Lord brings balance to submission in human relationships.
Denice Orr, a minister's wife for 24 years, is managing editor of Connections, a newsletter for ministers' wives.
Aug. 19, 1997, WN, page 4
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