The last word...

It was a dark and painful time in my life. I had sinned greatly, deeply hurting people who trusted me. I was powerless to fix what I had broken. Deep in despair, I felt condemned. I doubted God's love, I felt excluded from his grace.

"Listen to God," someone advised. "He loves you. He wants to forgive you and bring good things even out of this sin. Listen for his voice and he will speak to you."

I thought about the voice of doubt, condemnation and criticism that constantly shouted at me inside my head. I had assumed that was God talking to me. But it didn't seem like the voice of love and forgiveness. Yet this voice of discouragement always seemed to have the last word.

I lay down on my back in the yard and looked up at the sky. Big black clouds were rolling in to cover the blue sky and the sun. Just like my life, I thought; the light, the hope, the joy are defeated by my darkness. Then I prayed: "I'm listening, Father. Talk to me about the clouds." And I waited.

And a little voice in my head said, "Clouds will come; but then they will go." I was surprised. This didn't sound like my usual inner voice of doubt and condemnation. This voice offered hope. Perhaps after all there could be light after the darkness.

Then the voice in my mind said, "When clouds come they bring rain; but the rain makes flowers grow." Again I was encouraged. Perhaps this present storm of painful tears might produce a fruitful harvest.

Then the voice of discouragement clamored for attention. "Lord," I said, "the clouds come and go, and bring rain to make flowers grow; but there is no evil in the clouds. How can I hope for good things when there is great wickedness in me?" And I wept bitterly.

And the quiet voice said: "There is wickedness in all my children. My grace is sufficient for all of them."

"But Lord," I cried, "my sin is too great. There is not supposed to be such wickedness in me."

And the voice said: "Listen to yourself! You are talking foolishness!"

And then I realized that while my sin was great, God's grace was greater. And God had the last word.

The author asked to remain anonymous